I think Jingle is trying to tell me that the vacation is about over. This morning he woke me up at 5:25. The significant thing about this is that it is the time that I always got up when I was working. He was pretty insistent. So, I have fed the cats, made coffee and played two games of solitaire on the computer.
Do you know what is on TV at 5:30 in the morning? Infomercials. That is all. I could learn how some 57 year old manages to look 27. I can see what you do about the fact that Size Matters. I could get Cindy Crawford's Skin Secrets. I can buy 24 Ladders in 1. I can seek out Leandro like all the super models apparently do for a Brazilian Butt. Then after that I can get Super Model Beauty Tips which are apparently straight from Cindy Crawford. I think that with that one they should specify how it differs from her Skin Secrets. Here's an interesting one.... for the right amount of money, I could experience Fat Loss for Food Lovers. I know a few men (and a woman or two) who may have set their DVR's last night so that they could catch Hair Loss News: More Hair in as Little as 4 to 6 Weeks. The makers of Advil and Excedrin, might be dismayed to learn that I can apparently Simply Relax to Reduce Pain. I am guessing that the Food Lovers Diet differs from Fat Loss for Food Lovers in some way since they are on different channels at the same time, but I could be mistaken.
I am fascinated by Luminess: The Future of Makeup. If I ever need an air compressor to put my make up on, I'm just going to do everyone a favor and stop going out in public. And leave it to the Spike channel to air one called.... are you ready for this???? WEN by Chaz Dean Revolutionary Hair Care System, which I am lead to believe from reading the Direct TV Guide would be happy to sell me a system that cleans and conditions without shampoo! Please, friends, do not tell me if you have stopped using shampoo unless, of course, you are currently learning about how to grow more hair in as little as 4 to 6 weeks. With Insanity, I could get the hardest body of my life with no equipment. I can also try out Zumba or I could simply Melt Away Body Fat which is apparently able to "ignite a fat burning chain reaction". That is quite a promise.
Last year Jenny and I both bought a kettle ball at Acadamy, not from an infomercial and a few days later Jenny told me that she had seen on her Direct TV Guide that there was a 30 minute show that was apparently a kettle ball workout. So, we both set our DVR's up to record episodes. I set up a season pass and then was disappointed a few days later when my stupid DVR had only recorded one show. I was sure that I had seen multiple shows on the Guide. So, I finally went through and just hit the record button on multiple airings of the show. Finally about a week later when I had 7 or 8 shows saved up, I got dressed to do my kettle ball workout and turned the TV on to the first show that I had recorded to discover that I had apparently recorded 7 or 8 viewings of the same infomercial which was trying to sell me a kettle ball fitness kit. Ugh!
Getting back to the matter at hand, if I tune into the USA Network, they are currently Introducing the All New Shark Lift Around With Free Steam Mop. That's some exciting news. I am lead to believe that it is a portable hand held vacuum that, like a Dyson, never looses suction. I have a Dyson. It really does work great if you turn it on and move it across a surface. I have found however, that it doesn't matter how much you pay for your vacuum if you are unwilling to perform that first step of turning it on. Holy Crap! If I go to the Discovery Channel, I can buy the Best Vacuum Ever! I wonder if this one turns itself on and moves itself across all the surfaces that I need for it to clean?
I know what you are thinking. Why doesn't she just get a Rumba? The answer it is that it wouldn't work too good on my stairs. It probably couldn't get from the first floor to the second floor of my house without some sort of elevator being installed since we all know that I can't be bothered to even move laundry from the washing machine to the dryer without rewashing the laundry 4 times because it has been left in the washing machine so long. To top that off, do you have any idea how terrorizing one of those things would be for my neurotic cats?
Is a Brazil Bum Bum different from Brazil Butt? I must say, I am getting a little tired of hearing about how great those butts are in Brazil. I say if you want to see Brailian butts, hop on a plan for Rio de Janiro! I wonder if I can get a Brazil Butt if I do the TapouT XT? Darn, too late to find out, TapouT XT just ended and now Mom is 57, Looks 27. I'm very aggravated to learn that the infomercial called 10 Minute Workout lasts for 30 minutes. In that amount of time, they could air the video 3 times and let me record it for future use. After I watch the 10 Minute Workout, I can see what this Nopalea with Cheryl Tiegs is all about. It says that the viewer is to take a wellness challenge with ol' Cheryl. Well let me tell you, I saw Cheryl on the most recent cycle of Celebrity Apprentice (yes, I was the single viewer) and she isn't looking too hot these days. It was sort of hard to tell the difference between her and Donald Trump. I'm not sure I want to try whatever she is selling.
All I want to be able to watch at crazy hours of the night and morning when I wake up is old sitcoms from the 50's, 60's and 70's. I don't want to see anything that aired in prime time after 1978. If you can't give me a good old Dick Van Dyke Show or Gilligan's Island or Leave it to Beaver, then just sign off because I am not going to watch your channel anyway. It is 2012, if I want a Brazilian Butt chances are I will go on line and find out what all the hype is about and look into purchasing the program without you taking up air time on 22 different channels at the same time.
I'm going to go make another pot of coffee now. Have a good day.
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